Jack the GOD
by CatOfAMillionTales
Summary: What if the cannibals were right, and Jack really is a god? This is a total crack!fic, and the first I've EVER posted. Minor Sparrington and Jackkraken. Tiny spoilers for DMC. I don't know about the rating.


Jack Sparrow always insisted he was called Captain, but he was really much more than that. Quite a lot more. And the only people who knew this wanted to eat him. Many people who had met Jack said he seemed almost otherworldly, but that was really only the tip of the iceberg. For Jack Sparrow was a GOD. Really. The kind with lightning bolts and magical powers and confusing love triangles.

Jack had the misfortune of being in one particularly nasty love triangle with a Very Jealous Goddess. The details of that story are not appropriate for this story, but in the end, the Very Jealous Goddess cast him down to Earth to live like a human. Jack was still a GOD…he would live forever until someone killed him, could manipulate human minds rather easily, and could eventually escape from anything. He also had the almost completely irresistible charm of the GODs. So while he was not an especially harmful GOD, he was definitely quite dangerous. After all, he messed with human's minds and hearts.

When at first Jack was cast down to Earth, he mainly wandered around, having sex with various humans and some objects. After a while, however, he began to feel very, very trapped. He longed for his previous freedom. One day in particular he was feeling very antsy, and he happened to be in a sea-side town in England. Using his special GODLY powers he "commandeered" a ship and gathered a rather questionable crew. The sea gave him the sense of freedom he remembered from before.

Eventually Jack discovered RUM and decided this life was rather better than the one filled with confusing love triangles.

One night Jack was having a very good time with RUM and was mutinied upon, and due to the RUM, he only barely managed to not be killed straight out by using his GODLY powers.

Jack Sparrow was once again reduced to wandering and sexing. There was a rather exciting point during this period of time when he was found out by an intelligent tribe of humans. They were all quite lovely, though there was that problem with their eating habits. Perhaps they weren't so intelligent after all. So Jack escaped. Of course.

After about ten years Jack decided he would try to get his old freedom back and so made the decision to go to a Navy run town as a pirate. Hey, it doesn't say anywhere that Jack was smart, only lucky. Anyways, in this town Jack laid his Very Godly Eyes on a Sexy Commodore. Jack immediately wanted to sex him, but the Sexy Commodore was very special and could not be manipulated.

Jack decided he would impress the Sexy Commodore by escaping, stealing the Sexy Commodore's ship, blowing the Sexy Commodore's ship up, failing to rescue the Sexy Commodore's love interest, possibly having sex with the Sexy Commodore's love interest on an island, and almost blowing the Sexy Commodore up. Furthermore, he decided he would escape yet again, thereby ruining the Sexy Commodore's career. Needless to say, the Sexy Commodore was very impressed but still refused Jack's sex, mainly due to the smell of the GOD's breath.

Jack got so depressed he threw himself into a giant squid's mouth. He stayed alive but did NOT have sex with the giant squid, thank you very much.

Meanwhile, James the Former but Still Sexy Commodore was beginning to realize that though the pirate had foul breath, Jack did have Very Godly Eyes. Plus shiny teeth. All in all, it was a good tradeoff. However, there was a small problem, what with Jack being eaten and all. So James the Former but Still Sexy Commodore did what he knew he could do: he drank Jack's RUM. He immediately fell in love.

Jack was having a rather difficult time with a certain tentacled creature. It was somehow refusing his GODLY charm! Finally Jack submitted to the giant squid's will and had sex with the giant squid. Let us all now take that picture out of our heads and proceed to the part where the giant squid orgasmed so hard Jack was spewed straight into Tortuga. This was luckily where James the Former but Still Sexy Commodore was drinking Jack's RUM.

Now everyone was presented with a problem. Jack wanted James, but James was obsessed with RUM. RUM, however, often had the habit of showing up in Jack's day, as well. So the three had to settle with a threesome. Without the squid.


End file.
